Please Be Advised

In both my current profession as an advisor and my former profession as a lawyer, nothing makes me cringe more than officious bombast posing as legalese. And perhaps the most cringeworthy phrase is “please be advised”.

“Please be advised” represents everything that is goshawful about goshawfulness.

If I speak legalese, will people suddenly think I’m a lawyer? Seriously?And if so, so what? If I throw around a few Italian phrases, does that make me a chef or a lover? Maybe a couple of German phrases to make you think I’m scientifically gifted? Or would you just think I was being silly?

Face it, when you’re on the receiving end of these “please be advised” missives, what’s your reaction? At the best, neutrality, at worst you get your back up, right? Can you think of a single instance when you’ve thought to yourself, “Oh, gee, this must be really important!”?

Let’s start with the “please” part. Assuming that your intent is to puff yourself up like a Hallowe’en cat and put the fear into readers, why start out with “please”? Don’t be a wimp. Tyrants don’t say “please”. Make up your mind if you’re a demigod or not.

“Be advised”? Seriously? Is this really an advice piece? Of course not, you want the reader to do something, or stop doing something, not just note a piece of advice. Central to all good communication is clarity of purpose, and the “please be advised” crowd are the foggiest of the foggy.

This phrase is a cousin to such other useless bumpf as “we would like to draw your attention to”, “at this particular point in time”, “in order to proceed in the most expeditious manner possible”, and “&^$^&iygfvhgi(94iuy#%@#” (go ahead, fill in your favourite– you’ve seen them all, too). They serve no purpose in delivering the message, but on the contrary, they curdle the milk.

Worse than lack of clarity and lack of purpose, these expressions are counterproductive. The reader is not recruited to your point of view, but on the contrary put on the defensive. Users of this kind of language belong to the school that thinks you first always have to slap kids to make them pay attention.

Remember, when you’re delivering any message of any importance, stop first to be clear in your own mind what your point is. Then be clear about your audience, their needs, and their current position.

Once that’s organized in your mind, consider your language. There are times to be assertive, even threatening, but not often. More often than not you’re looking to convert, to persuade, to teach, to make a friend, and sometimes just to say hello. Save your atom bombs for when you really, really need them.

As much as I’d like to close with “Govern yourself accordingly”, I’ll resist the temptation. I might sound like Grumpus.