Zipper Down

You’re at coffee break at a convention, surrounded by friends and acquaintances old and new, when you spot a colleague across the room. He’s surrounded by half a dozen attendees cracking jokes and renewing acquaintances, clearly all having a good time.

And then you notice.

His zipper is down. All the way down, and his polka-dot underwear are on plain view. His immediate colleagues don’t notice, being in face-to-face conversation, but you do, and his public embarrassment is just a matter of time.

So, here’s the thing: how do you handle this?

It’s easy, of course, to simply do nothing. But that’s not what friends do.

Or, you could just shout across the room, “Bill, your fly is down!” But that’s not what friends do, either.

Somehow you need to move, and quickly, in such a way that Bill can live through this. Perhaps as good a way as any is to glide quickly up beside him and say, out loud, “Bill, can you come with me for a minute? It’s quite urgent.” You steer him out into the corridor and give him the news so that he can deal with it as he sees fit. He will thank you.

Downed zippers come in all sizes and shapes. A friend has a website that repulses more than it attracts. It’s awful. A colleague spends too much time with bad characters, and they’re beginning to rub off on him. Someone in your association can’t tell the difference between a collegial peck on the cheek and a full-on slobbery smooch. There are thousands of such cases, if you live in the real world, you’re going to see them.

“But, it’s none of my business!” is the standard go-to, and often that’s true. But it’s also valid that if you really are a true friend, it is your business. Friends who don’t do what friends need to do aren’t true friends, they’re just acquaintances.

A good rule of thumb is that the obligation to act is directly proportional to the degree of disaster or loss of reputation at risk. Toast crumbs on your lapel? Meh. Seeing a friend stepping out on his wife of forty years? Yeah. Almost always, you know what to do. The hard part is doing it.

Sometimes you need to act now. There’s no point telling Bill after the conference is over. In fact, you shouldn’t. Often, though, the matter is critical enough to your friend’s well-being and reputation that you really need to prepare and do it right.

If you were Bill, what would you want me to do?