The Failure of No Fail

I’m going for my PhD, and so should you. Soon enough, all of us can be Dr. Whosit.

Let me explain.

Back in the days of my first career, teaching school, we flunked kids. Fairly regularly. I was often the lucky guy to get a class full of latter-day scholars who needed a second run at Grade Eight before sending them off to high school. The basis of our educational philosophy was that if you didn’t pay attention and apply yourself, you not only didn’t get any animal stickers, but you had to repeat the grade until either you “got it” or you turned sixteen and could quit. No other choices. And by and large the parents in our rural community were in our corner.

Over the last twenty or thirty years a new spirit has settled upon our educational system, in fact, over all of society. We live in an age of no consequences, no shame, and no failure. Even in junior sports, it matters not whether you win or lose, everyone goes home with a “Participation Ribbon”. We’re all champions. I can be a star without breaking a sweat, and so can you. Everyone is in first place, nobody is in last place. That would hurt someone’s feelings.

So, on that basis I think I’ll make an application for a PhD. I don’t plan to attend any lectures, do any research, or submit any thesis. Why go to all that work when I deserve my degree on the basis of participation? While I’m at it, I think that Order of Canada would look good after my name, and maybe a Reverend in front of it. The Reverend Doctor John Norman Bowley, O.C. And perhaps King Charles could invest me as a knight. “Sir Reverend Doctor” has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

Gone are the days when you had to send a thousand dollars, a resume, and two letters of recommendation to a phony university in New Mexico. Today, you deserve all these things, and more, just on request.

Doctor? Dentist? Engineer? Nuclear physicist? Heck, just send in your request. It wouldn’t be fair to deny you, would it?

On that note I’ll end, except to ask that once you get all your honorifics and designations, please let me know so that I can update your contact information. I like to keep good company, you know.