No Loose Ends

Like all self-respecting couples in their seventies, Karen and I have had “the discussion”. In fact, we’ve even “made plans”. And while you may not be anywhere near us in age, you too should have plans. About “you know what”.

While I may not be as nuts-and-bolts about death as a funeral director, my history as a succession and estates lawyer has made me pretty matter-of-fact about the reality of end of life. Even more important, I know it’s necessary to be brutally realistic about what we leave behind.

“The afterlife” is not my area of expertise, I leave that for the clergy and others who profess knowledge of what awaits us after we pass on. My professional concerns as a succession and estates lawyer focused mostly on ensuring that things are left as tidy as possible, and that what you leave behind is maximized for those you choose to benefit, in two senses.

There are really only two things which remain after you are no longer with us: your “stuff”, and your “memory”. During your lifetime you accumulate stuff, but you also create the memory which others will have of you.

Some of us leave cherished memories and serve as examples of “what to do”, while others pass into the night as “good riddance” and leave only memories of “what not to do”. It’s up to you which you want be, and that’s not something for your lawyer or even your priest, it’s something you need to consider every day, yourself. Generosity in your Last Will and Testament won’t fix things if you lived a life where others were glad to see you go. Your memory is what you create day by day in your interaction with others.

Your “stuff” is a different story. What you own at the instant before you die belongs to someone else the moment after. You can have a good deal to say about who is getting what share, how easily it will happen, and whether the transition is consistent with your legacy of wisdom and thoughtfulness. And letting the taxman have a penny more than his due is not necessary.

It’s also not going to contribute much to your memory if you leave behind an ugly family fight over your “stuff”, whether it’s cash or the trinkets that each of your kids thought they were getting. Even more so if you die without having thoroughly prepared your business for successful succession. But that’s for a later rant.

Karen and I both expect to be around for decades to come, but my experience in the estates field tells me that one never knows. Consequently, we’ve made decisions and taken some steps so that if we are unexpectedly eaten by the Tay River Shark, we won’t be leaving a legal and logistical mess.

What triggered much of our thinking was reflecting upon the recent passing of our own parents. For example, we realized that as time passes, we visit their graves less and less frequently, that our own children hardly ever visit their grandparents’ graves, and our grandchildren wouldn’t even know where those graves were. This isn’t a matter of disrespect, it’s just a factor of busy-ness combined with the fact that families are much more geographically scattered than a few generations ago.

To each his own, of course, but when we came to grips with the fact that hardly anyone visits cemeteries’ anymore, we couldn’t get behind the notion of headstones and taking up useful space. So to keep things simple for those we leave behind, we contracted with a reputable funeral home for a minimalist prepaid cremation. We’re not cheap, we just want our leftover money (if any) to be used for other, more sensible things.

We shared every detail with our four kids. Fortunately for us they are also best friends amongst themselves, and everything is discussed openly and frankly. We’ve also had the “knicknacks” discussions about paintings and jewelry and collections and all such odds and ends.

Even more important, we’ve had very, very frank and detailed discussions about things which would matter to us if the kids are called upon to make our personal care decisions.

For me, at least, these things are a matter of practicing what I preached. It’s important to deal with your “stuff”, your “memories”, and your potential reliance on the decision making of others in an equitable and open fashion, because failing to do so is sure to generate a fight amongst family members.

And who wants to be remembered for that?