Welcoming the Eleventh Province
Ottawa, July 1, 2027
We’re delighted to welcome the former United States of America (or what’s left of it) as Canada’s eleventh province. Welcome! Welcome! Welcome!
After the Proud Boy Uprisings and the Great Impoverishment, we know that many of you are traumatized and frightened. We want to make you feel welcomed and comforted. Except for you, Premier Donald, if you ever leave exile in Moscow.
In many ways, being Canadian won’t seem all that unnatural for you. You see, we have been trying to Canadianize you for over a century. We’ve been infiltrating your culture ever since we sent Louis B. Meyer and Mary Pickford to California to create MGM and United Artists. Our millions of snowbirds living among you have done their best to influence you in good ways.
The legal and educational systems that you used to have once looked a lot like ours, and our snacks are pretty well identical. Well, maybe except for poutine, beaver tails and dulse. So, mostly, you’ll quickly feel at home.
But there will have to be some adjustments. Like all immigrants, we expect you to understand your new country and make adaptations:
1. Forget about “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”, which apparently didn’t work so well for you. Get used to a less exuberant but more practical “peace, order, and good government”, which seems to be more durable.
2. We’re not big on civil violence and disrespect toward authorities, so we’ll expect you to tell King Charles that you’re sorry for those unfortunate incidents back in the late 1700s.
3. French. We don’t do it because it’s cool, like Spanish in California. We do it because French is part of who we are. Our French and English forebears were like two teenagers who discovered “they” were pregnant, and had to hang in to raise the country they engendered. In the process we discovered we’re a pretty successful couple, based on respect. We like it this way, so get used to it.
4. Currency. Stop moaning about no more “greenbacks”. Except for the funny colours and the unfamiliar faces on the bills, you’ll hardly notice any difference. Get used to Loonies and Toonies and a black lady on the Ten, but otherwise, it’ll be easy.
5. Weather. There are only two acceptable questions about weather in Canada: “Cold enough for you?” and “Hot enough for you?” Oh yeah, and Celsius. It’s easy: water freezes at zero and boils at a hundred, and minus forty is the same bone-chilling cold as “forty below”.
6. About guns. There’s no Second Amendment. Yet many of us own guns for respectable purposes, like when bears get into the bee yard. Given that these things kill people, we do insist that to own one, you have to take gun safety courses, pass an exam, get a criminal record check, and prove you’re not psycho.
7. Healthcare. We run on the theory that good healthcare, like good roads, education and police protection, is a public right, not a profit center for insurance companies. Which might explain why our average life expectancy far exceeded yours even before your recent violence.
8. Taxes. Our tax system is more like Robin Hood, yours was more like the Sheriff of Nottingham.
9. Citizens United. Our Supreme Court was smarter than yours and would not have ruled that letting quadrillionaires buy and sell politicians is either smart or “free speech”. Look how that turned out.
10. Immigration. We’re still learning that we need to be judicious and pragmatic, but since all of us except the First Nations once were immigrants, we need to be humble. That’s why we’re letting you in.