The Petty Patter of Little Feats

You know the type – they like to get you in a corner at gatherings, position themselves between you and any dignified escape route, lean in conspiratorily, and begin to share in infinite detail their life stories, their views on fusion energy, and how they would solve the world’s problems. You’ve never heard so much drivel for so much time on a single topic.

You consider sending out for sandwiches, a rescue plane, or maybe a strychnine capsule, but you steel yourself because you know the coffee break is going to be over in ten minutes and you’ll soon be in another breakout group, far from your “new friend”. Or at least you hope.

From time to time you’ve had the bad luck to share a long flight next to one such fount of self-focused wisdom. If you’re more unlucky still, they might be your office mate, or God forbid, your partner, business or domestic. At some time or other, each of us serves a lengthy sentence of being shackled to someone who can’t stop going on, and on, and on, and on, and on about the minutiae of their lives, thoughts, and their extensive accomplishments. The petty patter of little feats.

There are really two lessons to take from this screed. First, don’t be “that guy”. In these little corner klatches, do less than half the talking and do more than half the listening. The more you listen and the less you talk, the more you’re likely to retain the other party as an ongoing friend. And generally, limit the amount you talk about yourself unless your friend actively draws it out of you.

But the real point is to know how to deal with your opposite when you’re caught in the corner with him or her. If the farmer brings a whole load of hay and you’re the only cow, are you obligated to eat it all? Of course not. When you’ve had your fill, it’s time to moooo-ve on.

There’s always a possibility that there is someone in the crowd more suited to this individual, and unless it would be unkind (or you have a score to settle) you can say, “You know, Shirley over there just eats this stuff up! Hey, Shirley, get over here!” But don’t do this with anyone you like, unless Shirley really does love this subject matter. The thing to ask yourself first is, “Will Shirley thank me or hate me for making the introduction?”

But it is often fair enough to physically steer toward several individuals who appear to be standing by themselves looking unsure and lonely. For them, this bombastic soul is at least “somebody” and a rescue from looking like nobody loves them. Round up three or four such loners into a cluster with your know-it-all friend and they at least can look like they’re socializing, a good learning step toward actually doing so. For them, it’s practice, and they may end up with two or three new friends as the conference unfolds. Not unfair.

But assuming that the break time is extensive, and assuming that you can’t use your skills to bring in other victims to share in your life sentence, what are you to do? Well, that depends mostly on the amount of time left.

If you’re at a conference or the like and it appears that you can’t shake this individual off by one of the methods outlined above, you could always be to the point and tell them that they are a boring waste of space. But that’s very kind, and it’s not who you are, or I am. Every other person on this planet is entitled to some modicum of dignity, and if the break is three or five minutes, this is our time to show some grace. Whether it’s stacking up karma credits or reflecting on the mercy that God has shown to us or just consciously building character, there’s a time and a place to suck it up and take the pain, and practice showing grace. Genuinely. It builds character.

If the time period you’re going to have to “show grace” is unreasonably long, then you need to have the guts to end this, ideally in a non-devastating way. Keep in mind that the individual pouring his entire life into your coffee break is likely a little on the fragile side, so do all that you can to let them down gently. No baldfaced lies, but surely there is something close enough to the truth to let you escape. “I’m kind of embarrassed to say this, but I need to go pee in the worst of ways!” At my age, that’s generally always true. And whatever you do, after you make your escape, don’t join the adjacent group! Go outside and have a smoke, even if it’s your first ever cigarette, or just go outside and offer prayers of thanksgiving.

Sometimes escape is impossible. Your new “friend” may be a seatmate on the plane, the train, or a bus. Especially if it’s more than five hours. You need to be creative, but not dishonest, in these situations. “I promised myself I’d finish this eBook on this flight. Happy to chat for a bit, but I do need to finish. You don’t mind?” “I’ve got to warn you that I’m a terrible conversationalist. Fifteen minutes and I fall asleep. It’s not you. Happens all the time!” And then, after a few minutes, read the book or feign sleep.

Often the best outcome for all, though, is that you can take control of the conversation, asking key questions that will force your partner to stop prattling and start thinking. “That’s interesting! Why do you say that all life on earth will end if Easter falls on a Tuesday?” Said, of course, in a curious, non-threatening and non-accusatory way. If you handle this skillfully, you may find that your new friend actually begins to engage with you, mind to mind. And then it could get interesting.

So, the next time you’re caught in the corner with the petty patter of little feats, if you can’t escape, turn it into an exercise to help your friend become more interesting. At least it will be interesting for you.