Bob the Baptist

My dear old dog Bob was a Baptist, through and through. His little brother Bennie, not so much, but more on that later.

Bob the Border Collie was a rescue. I got him when he was around two years old. His puppyhood had not been a happy one. The farmer who rescued him described Bob as “a classically marked Border Collie, and very much a gentleman”. He was exactly right on both counts.

A few months after Bob joined our family, he and I were on a long hike on wooded trails near the Ottawa River. Because he was a good dog, and very biddable, I let him run free, which he did, his wide, silly Border Collie grin as big as all outdoors.

Every few minutes I would call Bobbie, just to check on him and to ensure he wasn’t ranging too far. It was after one such call that he came bounding in, tongue flying, a supremely happy dog. And a dog whose stench reached to the heavens.

I don’t know what he had found in the woods, except that it must have been generous in size and in a very advanced state of putrefaction. That he had rolled in it, as dogs do, this way and that, back and forth, top to bottom, and that he had gone back for more, was clear. He was euphoric, at least until he read my reaction.

Knowing that we couldn’t go home in this condition, in one swift move I swept the dog off his feet and was halfway to the river’s shore. Two more steps, and we were in the water, Daddy and Doggie, waist deep. And it was there that Bob became a Baptist. Full immersion, in the traditional fashion.

Having grown up Baptist, I knew all the words and all the moves, but I didn’t follow any particular formulation. Theology was not uppermost in my mind. Nor did I count the number of dips, although it was definitely more than one.

In any event, Bob emerged from the River Ottawa a changed dog. Cleaner in body, yes, but also more conservative in his worldview. As far as I know, he never returned to the earthly pleasure which had proved his undoing.

Some months later, I discovered how profound was his conversion when, as a matter of pure scientific interest, I took a saucer of dog goodies and poured a small amount of beer over them, placing the dish on the floor.

Bob, as the older and larger, approached the dish first. That his conversion to the Baptist faith was firm and his faith unshakable was apparent. Taking only one sniff, Bob the Baptist turned his head away in disgust, and stalked off, giving me a dirty look.

But with Bennie the Shih-tzu, the reaction was quite different. Ben had always had a very earthy and direct way about him, and given that the experiment involved food, got his little Ewok face right in there. After having licked the plate clean, he went to tell Mom the good news. That didn’t turn out well– mothers are odd about beer-fueled professions of love, and usually skeptical of my science experiments.

In the dozen years he spent with our family, Bob the Baptist was one of the dearest friends I’ve ever had. Our hikes, in total, would encircle the globe a time or two, I’m sure.

In his last year he mostly slept. When he walked, it was awkwardly and painfully. Border Collies don’t do well with arthritis. For all one winter I often had to carry him outside to do his business, then we’d return inside, where he would again sleep at my feet, under the desk.

Finally, I had to acknowledge the plea in his eyes. Prolonging his life was for me, not for him. I had to do what a friend should do, but with the comfort of knowing that as a good Baptist, he would go straight to Doggie Heaven, and there receive preferential treatment.

A little over a year later, Ben also walked up to the Pearly Gates, strutting imperiously as Shih-tzus are wont to do. Bob put in a good word for him with Saint Roch (who is the gatekeeper of Doggie Heaven), and now the boys are romping together again.

So, is there a point to this story? Not really, or at least I haven’t thought of one yet, but with all the seriousness and occasional sanctimoniousness of covid blogs and writings, I thought it was time for a simple, happy, story. Hope it brought a smile or two.